The ‘tusa’ must be experienced day by day: illusion of landing, nostalgia and hope

Dealing with spite is one of the most painful situations a person can experience, some deal with it through art or parties, while others opt for loneliness and isolation.

How a person reacts to this feeling is measured by the culture in which we find ourselves immersed. In Colombia the word is used approximately to define the sadness caused by a failure or disappointment in love.

But if instead of the dictionary we were guided by the song of Karol-G, in collaboration with Nicki Minaj, we could define the approximately as a “stupid depression”, which leads to regret for the lost connection and is cured with the “rumba”.

Beyond the different appreciations and meanings that we can derive from this word, successfully coping with a breakup is essential to take care of our mental health, since it is actually a grieving process.

To learn more about breakups and how to overcome the dreaded approximatelyGlobeLiveMedia Colombia spoke with psychologist Andrés Lasso, who holds a master’s degree in clinical psychology from the Pontificia Universidad Javeriana, couples therapist and relationship expert.

How to handle a breakup?

Andres Lasso: Breakups are moments of duelObviously, they come with a lot of emotions: pain, anger, guilt, regret, everything. This undoubtedly makes for unpleasant moments and we can’t wait to feel “good”.

However, the best way to get through a breakup, like many other times in life, is to feel. Emotions are there to be felt and you cannot leave a place without having arrived there, which is why it is necessary to be able to feel everything you have to feel.

That doesn’t mean we’re gonna be with all these emotions on the surface all the time, mourning works in oscillation, between moments when we are with very present emotions of loss, and others when we feel strong and as if nothing had happened. This movement happens over time until we come to an acceptance of this breakup.

You have to be careful about the things you face with breakups because they can make everything worse, for example, indulging in alcohol or other substances, making impulsive decisions or getting involved quickly with others people can put us in difficult situations and further complicate the emotional climate we are going through.

Right now what helps us the most is taking great care of ourselves, with food, exercise and nutrition from other links, supporting us with our friends and family. We can also seek out distracting activities and explore new hobbies. All of this will make the process easier.

Whenever possible, temporarily or permanently cut off contact with your ex, as distance helps us take a step back from how we feel, heal, and most importantly, not get into destructive cycles of end-return-end- feedback.

It is natural that there are times when we miss the other very much and our mind is only focused on all the good things we had, so it is essential to land this illusion, this nostalgia and this hope, in us recalling the reasons why this was not the case. work, it will not work and it is better to be absent. It’s a process and you have to live it one day at a time.

Is it good to close the cycles? Or is it better to break off contact?

LS: We need to think about what can help us shut down and heal, but without falling into overconfidence and self-sabotage, which is to say that we often think “I’m done with this “and we put ourselves in vulnerable situations, like talking to or seeing each other with that person, eventually getting involved again.

If we definitely want to break the relationship, we shouldn’t have closure, we can break contact, block, never see each other again, nothing happens, it’s a valid decision to end like this and do it. one way or another will not be better or worse in our recovery process.

Now, there are situations where it is not possible to break contact at all, for example when you share work or have children/pets in common. In these cases, it is essential to maintain zero contact in the sense of not promoting affective interaction with this partner, but communicating and managing only those aspects related to the role that we still share.

Finally, it is essential to remember that zero contact is not just about not seeing this person, since it is usual for us to think too much about this person or to monopolize all our conversations with other people, which also means gradually removing them from our conversations, our minds and our hearts.

When should you think about ending a relationship?

AL: Undoubtedly when there is any type of violence or situation that harms us. Now this decision is very personal and some keys that can help us to think about this time is when most of the time there is tension, sadness, boredom etc. And the moments of happiness, tranquility and joy are fleeting and sporadic. In other words, when on a scale, evil weighs much more than good.

Another key is to check if the relationship is aligned with my life plan or my core values, for example, if having children is extremely important for me in the development of my happiness and my partner does not want in any way, I should be very aware of this when you continue in said link.

However, it is a very difficult decision because often we cling to the good times, to the hopes of change and we are afraid of loneliness or facing the world without this person.

When to go to couples therapy?

LS: We tend to think that the time to attend is when the relationship is dying and not. In fact, according to Dr. Gottman, a couples expert, it takes about six years of unhappiness before couples decide to seek help. Therefore, it is essential to focus strongly on prevention, review areas such as communication, sexuality, emotional intimacy and see what we can improve or if there is something that definitely needs a expert who can accompany us to change it.

If we identify that there are aspects that need to be changed and that we have not succeeded after several attempts, it is time to consult.

There are also certain very circumstantial moments, such as the beginning of cohabitation, marriage, migration or the arrival of a child, these are moments of stress which can trigger many problems, hence the importance of prepare in a therapeutic space to get through them better and without overemphasizing the bond.