As a psychologist and sex therapist, we’ve studied relationships for over 50 years combined, and we’ve found that no matter how you slice them up, most relationships fail due to miscommunication.
In his book “What Predicts Divorce?”, psychologist Dr. John Gottman identifies the four most problematic types of communication in relationships, based on his studies of 40,000 couples:
- Contempt: Express disrespect for our partners (e.g. name-calling, eye-rolling, ridicule).
- Review: Attacking a partner’s character.
- defensive stance: protect yourself from criticism by making excuses or blaming.
- Obstruction: withdrawing from communication, ignoring, distracting or acting busy.
Of these four, Gottman says, the biggest predictor of a failed relationship is contempt.
What does contempt look like?
Contempt is more than criticizing or saying something negative. It’s when one partner claims they’re smarter, have better morals, or are simply a better human being than the other.
The receiving partner feels unworthy and unloved.
For example, continually interrupting the other person is disrespectful. But it turns into contempt when the interruption is not an overzealous desire to talk, but a statement that the partner has nothing interesting or important to say.
It could be as obvious as a spouse saying, “Oh, that’s not worth listening to. He couldn’t tell a story to save his life.”
When this type of behavior becomes more than rare, and when it is not acknowledged or delivered on purpose, any relationship, let alone a marriage, is in trouble.
How contempt destroys relationships
Contempt prevents partners from feeling that they support each other. Instead of “it’s you and me against the problem”, the partners are now the adversaries. They never know when they may be attacked or undermined.
It’s often because people feel like they’re standing up for themselves, which is usually a healthy thing to do. But the problem is that they are defending themselves against their partner, trying to get up while knocking their partner down.
Contempt isn’t just bad for relationships, it’s also bad for our health. We need each other to survive. Contempt cuts or threatens these links with others.
Research has shown that people who use contempt in their communication have higher rates of disease, including cancer, heart disease, and other illnesses like colds or the flu.
How to eliminate contempt in your relationship
1. Identify and share negative feelings.
When we don’t know how to name or talk about negative feelings, it’s tempting to blame others.
For example: “I can’t believe you’re canceling our date to catch up with your friends. You are a selfish fool. You never think about my feelings!
To avoid derogatory communications, use this formula instead:
- say what you feel: “I feel upset and sad because I really wanted to spend time together.”
- order: “I would like to prevent this from happening again in the future by talking about it before changing plans.”
- Invite your partner to the conversation: “Do you think we can do this?”
2. Create a culture of appreciation.
Expressing appreciation helps us notice the positive qualities in our partner more than the negative ones.
Ideally, we want our positive statements and actions to outweigh our negatives: the magic ratio is at least five positive statements or feelings to one negative.
Track your communication habits for a week. How often do you engage in negative interactions (eg, scolding, criticizing, ignoring, rolling your eyes) versus positive interactions (eg, praising, congratulating, doing something nice for the other partner)?
The following week, interact with your partner using the magic ratio. Do you feel different?
You can also try asking each of you to make a list of 20 things you like about each other. Read them aloud and challenge yourself by adding them to the list over time.
Jessica Griffin, PsyD, is a professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the University of Massachusetts Chan School of Medicine. She is also co-author of “Relationship Rx: Prescriptions for Lasting Love and Deeper Connection”. Follow Jessica on Twitter and Instagram.
Pepper Schwartz, PhD, is a sexuality expert and co-author of “Relationship Rx: Prescriptions for Lasting Love and Deeper Connection.” She is a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle, where she established the Pepper Schwartz Fellowship in Intimate Relationships and Sexuality. Follow Pepper on Twitter and Instagram.