“They were happy and ate partridges”, that is how many children’s stories ended. In real life, many relationships are not happy. On the contrary, they immerse themselves in toxic patterns with which they end up harming each other and, above all, taking away the opportunity to feel fulfilled, fulfilled and happy in another relationship.
When we maintain a toxic relationship as a couple, conscience does not usually fail us. Usually something inside us sounds the alarm. We feel that something is wrong. We know we must make a decision. But despite this, we refuse to face reality. We are not happy, but we do not want to admit it to ourselves.
We resort to lies. This is how we manage to keep the relationship going despite the discomfort. In fact, it is something that happens frequently in the couple, confirming that old saying that love is blind.
The lie provides us with a wisp of illusion, but it also maintains dysfunction. Closing your eyes to relationship problems may work for a while, but it’s not a good long-term strategy because it often just prolongs the agony. Therefore, it is essential to detect the inconsistencies in our inner dialogue with which we try to convince ourselves that everything is going well.
1. Thinking that “it will get better with time”
When a relationship goes wrong, it’s hard to straighten it out again. It takes a lot of love and a strong commitment from both parties. However, when you still love the other person and don’t want to give up on the relationship, it’s easier to fool yourself into thinking that things will get better at some point . You believe the planets will align so you can live your own fairy tale.
If you’re not ready to accept that the relationship has reached a point of no return, you may be trying to cheer yourself up thinking that things will get better at some point. You convince yourself that it’s just a losing streak that will soon pass. So you begin to live in the idyllic world you imagine, closing your eyes to harsh reality.
However, closing your eyes will not change what happens. On the contrary, it will only make the situation worse. It is important that you develop the ability to distinguish between a bad moment or a bump in the couple from a toxic relationship that has no future.
2. Believing that “he still loves you”
We all like to believe that others feel the same way about us that we feel about them. If we love a person, we want to believe that he loves us too. If we are excited about building a future by their side, we like to think that that person is also excited. It is normal. We want – and deserve – reciprocity in a relationship. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.
Convincing yourself that love justifies everything is one of the worst lies you can tell yourself so as not to break up a toxic relationship. True love doesn’t hurt. When love squeezes too hard, to the point of suffocating you, it’s not love. When a relationship stops generating illusion and satisfying to sow anguish and dissatisfaction, it is that love has disappeared.
You are likely to perceive it. That somewhere inside you know that your partner no longer loves you or does not love you in a healthy way. But perhaps it is too painful to admit it and you prefer to cling to the idea that love excuses everything. Of course, acknowledging that love is over can hurt for a while, but it will end up being liberating because you can finally let go of a relationship that is hurting you.
3. Convince yourself that “it’s not so terrible”
When you love a person and cling to the relationship, you try to avoid cognitive dissonance. You want everything to fit into your vision of life as a couple. You try to mold reality to the image you have in your mind. For that reason, it is likely that after a really heartbreaking couple’s argument, you will try to convince yourself that it was not so terrible .
It is a common lie. When something goes terribly wrong, you compare it to even worse scenarios to make yourself feel better . So you convince yourself that, after all, it has not been so bad. You tell yourself you can take it. Which is not that bad. that you exaggerated
In these cases, it is important to remember that all relationships are subjective, so there is no point in comparing them. However, if you feel that something has been terrible and has harmed you, you should not ignore it or minimize its consequences . Avoid resorting to defense mechanisms such asrationalization just to keep the state of things and listen more to your feelings. It is likely that something inside you is telling you that you are not in the right relationship.
4. “Better known bad than good to know”
The fear to loneliness and resistance to change are one of the main reasons people get stuck in toxic relationships. On many occasions, routine and familiarity bind them to a dysfunctional relationship where the only excuse not to break up is the fear of starting over .
You probably think that you will not find anyone else or that you will never love with the same intensity again, so you convince yourself that this relationship is the best you can aspire to. You think that “better known bad than good to know”.
In reality, all those lies stem from fear and insecurity. The truth is that there are relationships so harmful or empty that staying alone or starting over is infinitely better than perpetuating that state . Instead of looking for love outside, start by loving yourself by moving away from relationships that make you suffer.
5. Assuming that “if one changes, everything will improve”
In toxic couple relationships, an imbalance of forces usually occurs in which one assumes much of the blame for conflicts and problems . That can make you believe that you are guilty of what happens. You carry the weight of the relationship on your shoulders and convince yourself that it will work if you change to fit your partner’s demands, needs, and expectations.
However, changing for the other person is not the solution. You may think that love is a supreme good, above being true to yourself, but it is not. The change must come from a deep process of introspection. The imposed change to conform to someone usually generates emptiness and resentment. This way you will fall into a loop in which, the more you change and the more you try to be a person that you are not, the more empty you will feel and the more you will distance yourself from your partner. In the end, you will end up with a broken relationship and not recognizing yourself when you look in the mirror.
It is not worth giving up oneself for someone who is not willing to commit. Every relationship is a matter of two, so both have responsibilities and must commit to those small changes that allow two different universes to fit together. Love must start from the acceptance of the other, not from the rejection of its essence. If a person has to change a lot to fit into the relationship, the relationship is probably not right for them.
6. Trust that “having children will bring you closer”
Thinking that children will put the broken pieces back together is probably the biggest and worst lie you can tell yourself to try to save a relationship. In fact, many of the couples with children who end up indivorce They have made the mistake of believing that they could get out of the rut by taking the next step: having a child. They imagine that caring for a baby will bring them together, but that’s not the way to the happy ending of the fairy tale.
Raising a child is a huge challenge for committed and cohesive couples, so it often becomes an insurmountable obstacle for troubled relationships. Parenting often just adds more stress and resentment to an already complicated situation, increasing conflict and distance.
Many of these couples tend to stay together out of sheer inertia, because the arrival of a baby consumes all their time and energy, relegating love conflict to the background. But if this is not resolved, it will continue to grow in the shadows and end up destroying the relationship.
In short, there are a thousand ways to hide a painful reality to cling to a relationship that is getting out of hand. However, it must be assumed that some couples do not survive. When relationships deteriorate and create more angst than happiness, it’s time to honestly re-evaluate our mental narrative to spot the lies we’re telling ourselves.
Staying in a toxic relationship for too long will only add salt to the wound. There is a time when it is necessary to break the loop, stop lying to yourself and put an end to it. Our well-being and mental balance deserve it.